So. In light of the upcoming holiday, though the celebrations may be a bit more sparse (unless you're the "set off fireworks all night and scare the crap out of my dog" type, in which case things are in full swing), we figured we'd write up a buncha beer pairings for all your cookouts and virtual events and general outdoor shenanigans,* so here's your Patriotic Pairings for the year!
and if you don't have any Extra Naked, we suggest... trying to invent new methods of cooking by lighting grill implements on fire. FireTongs!
Key Lime pairs well with... mojitos
and if you don't have any Key Lime, we suggest... pulling a Jay Gatsby and silently staring off into the distance for the entire barbecue.
Wasted Life pairs well with... potato salad
and if you don't have any Wasted Life, we suggest... realizing that you can use "sorry, I've got another Zoom meeting I have to go to" as an excuse to leave any "virtual celebrations" you might have to attend.
Shut Up Kelly! pairs well with... s'mores
and if you don't have any Shut Up Kelly!, we suggest... insistently referring to ketchup as "aioli" and getting really confused when anybody corrects you on it.
Summerween pairs well with... cheeseburgers
and if you don't have any Summerween, we suggest... slapping anybody who starts playing Jimmy Buffet.
Ginger Spectacular pairs well with... showing up with a shrimp ring and refusing to share it
and if you don't have any Ginger Spectacular, we suggest... trying to gather everybody around to tell ghost stories at three in the afternoon.
Unidog pairs well with... eating that wedge of store-brand brie that's been sitting in the sun all afternoon
and if you don't have any Unidog, we suggest... taking some time to go comfort the dog because fireworks are scary. We've found hot dogs to be a good consolation for the existential terror they go through on this holiday.
Picnic Time pairs well with... grilled wings
and if you don't have any Picnic Time, we suggest... going up on the roof to play Water Balloon Sniper.
Walkin' Beer pairs well with... ill-advised homemade fireworks displays
and if you don't have any Walkin' Beer, we suggest... for legal reasons we cannot suggest that you play Roman Candle Freeze Tag.
Henrietta pairs well with... yelling at birds
and if you don't have any Henrietta, we suggest... trying very hard to convince everybody around you that birds aren't real.
Worshipper pairs well with... churros
and if you don't have any Worshipper, we suggest... trying to finally achieve that goal of eating an entire watermelon in one sitting. You got this. We believe in you.
Chimera pairs well with... devilled eggs
and if you don't have any Chimera, we suggest... scotch eggs.