Anyway, the point is that this isn't quite "Thanksgiving Beer Pairings: Zoom Edition" but also it would be weird to completely ignore all the crazy nonsense that's going on out there, so anyway... enjoy!
pairs well with... wishing you hadn't eaten so much the previous day
and if you don't have any Extra Naked, we suggest... shame eating
pairs well with... just one more piece of pie
and if you don't have any Key Lime, we suggest... having two more pieces of pie
pairs well with... a nap on the couch
and if you don't have any Wasted Life, we suggest... taking a nap anyway, albeit a less satisfying one
Shut Up Kelly!
pairs well with... ooOOOooh! Somebody brought fudge?!
and if you don't have any Shut Up Kelly, we suggest... trying to convince your elderly aunt to do shots of Allen's Coffee Brandy with you
pairs well with... going on a long rambling tangent about all the ways you can cook turkey, a la Bubba from Forrest Gump
And if you don't have any Sabrobro, we suggest... talking in a fake southern accent, but laying it on so thick that nobody can tell you're not saying real words. We go heppin wif de bane pone; bwa-nonna houndaw.
pairs well with... NOT making a 200 mile drive each way on the worst traffic day(s) of the year for once.
And if you don't have any Splorge, we suggest... making that same drive only to get pie from that one place near your relatives' house, but not stopping in to say hello to the fam.
pairs well with... battering food in gravy before you deep fry it.
And if you don't have any Triple Pearl, we suggest... using stuffing as the breading on this fried-gravy monstrosity. Man, screw turduckens - I want stuffing/gravy turkey tenders!
pairs well with... playing outside with the younger relatives to help tire them out a bit before dinner.
And if you don't have any Versterven, we suggest... giving all the kids Five Hour Energy (just some little sips, though. Come on, they're kids) and then convincing them to stage a coup and storm the dessert table before dinner even starts.
Pretend It's Summer
pairs well with... drinking out of a hollowed-out pineapple (or a coconut, if that's more your speed).
And if you don't have any Pretend It's Summer, we suggest... repeatedly insisting that you thought this Thanksgiving was going to be "luau-themed" which is why you showed up in nothing but a grass skirt.
pairs well with... sending a body double instead of attending Thanksgiving in person.
And if you don't have any Mild Child, we suggest... sending a terrible body double who looks nothing like you and who manages to pronounce your name wrong (and, somehow, differently) every time they say it.
pairs well with... trying to get out of any and all discussions about politics
and if you don't have any Ginger Spectacular, we suggest... pointing into the middle distance and yelling "what's that!?" and then running away, giggling
pairs well with... constructing increasingly-elaborate forts with your youngest relatives
And if you don't have any El Pulpo, we suggest... acting so erratically at the dinner table that you get banished to the kids' playroom to go watch Dumbo like six times in a row because that's somehow the only movie they have. Again.
pairs well with... dressing the dog up in a cute costume.
And if you don't have any Soiree, we suggest... dressing the dog up in people clothes and trying to sneak it into the bar with you. If anyone asks questions, just say "oh that's just Terry" without further elaboration.
pairs well with... compressing, shaping, and re-baking the stuffing to use as hard taco shells
And if you don't have any Joyrider, we suggest... pointing out each dish individually and making the argument that it "technically qualifies as a taco." Really fight to make your point. Make a chart if you have to.
pairs well with... serving people "roulette brownies" where a small percentage of random brownies are completely full of habanero powder.
And if you don't have any Ginger Disco, we suggest... same thing, but throw a couple THC brownies in there too.
pairs well with... making up songs about the foods you're about to eat while you fill your plate
And if you don't have any Joybringer, we suggest... putting on a puppet show wherein you have the turkey carcass stage a Gallagher-style performance and messily smash the giblets with a potato
Melvin the Mammoth (Goes to Kentucky)
pairs well with... smoking weed in the garage after dinner
And if you don't have any Melvin Goes to Kentucky, we suggest... smoking weed in the garage before dinner
Melvin the Mammoth (Goes to Jamaica)
pairs well with... making turkey-themed arts and crafts
And if you don't have any Melvin Goes to Jamaica, we suggest... showing up to dinner in full-on Puritan garb (bonus points if you try to stay in character)
Blood of Krampus
pairs well with... speaking in rhyme for the entire day
And if you don't have any Blood of Krampus, we suggest... speaking in riddles for the entire day
Barrel-aged El Pulpo
pairs well with... happily shouting
And if you don't have any Barrel-aged El Pulpo, we suggest... angrily shouting
pairs well with... trying to cram foods into other foods, but getting all "think like an engineer" about it; like making balls of stuffing filled with turkey, then sealing the cracks using the adhesive power of mashed potatoes - just dip 'em in gravy and you're ready to huck 'em at your siblings!
And if you don't have any Rebello Fellow, we suggest... refusing to drink anything that doesn't match the color of the food you're currently eating. A bite of cranberry sauce gets a sip of red wine. A bite of green beans gets a shot of absinthe. Mashed potatoes only pair with Bailey's. Come to think of it, most Thanksgiving foods are beige; that's gonna mean a lot of Bailey's.
pairs well with... putting your own spin on cranberry sauce by making something else that doesn't taste like garbage
And if you don't have any Fancy Pants, we suggest... making "homemade cranberry sauce" but it's just jello (and the "cranberry chunks" are gummy bears)
pairs well with... going a little wild on the hors d'oeuvres as a treat. You earned it!
And if you don't have any Funky Life, we suggest... reconfiguring the entire menu so that every item starts with "bacon-wrapped." And I do mean EVERY item. Make a bacon envelope so you can have bacon-wrapped cranberry sauce.
pairs well with... having a sassy Zoom background and pointedly commenting on it every five minutes. Like maybe a picture of a turkey with the words "It's Gobble Time, Bitches" over it, and then you just try to make that your catchphrase for the day.
And if you don't have any Kegasus, we suggest... having your background be that cartoon that gave a bunch of kids seizures back in the 80s.
** Assuming that you are Craig. Hi Craig!
*** If this seems like a non-sequitur then you are clearly not familiar with Brato's approach to food.
****It's our longstanding goal for this series that somebody tries at least one of our pairings (preferably not one of the ones that's outright illegal) but it's really up to you to decide how much you want to alienate your family during the holidays, and either way we hope you enjoy!