First and/or foremost, this Wednesday* (also known as Right Now) is a pretty durn big day around here. One might even call it a Landmark Occasion if one were so inclined (and we aren't). Anydangways, the main rub of the point is that it's our first-ever real-ass bottle release! And to make sure it's an Extra Special Event, we're puttin' out four - count 'em, FOUR - Big Fancy Bottles! Here's the sweet deets on what we gon' have:
- El Pulpo, 8%, imperial stout aged in rye barrels.
- Shelby, 8%, smoked stout aged in apple brandy barrels.
- Doomrider, 8.2%, farmhouse aged in wheat whiskey barrels.
- Quadless Leg Monster, 10%, quad aged in brandy barrels.
pairs well with... wishing you hadn't eaten so much the previous day
and if you don't have any Extra Naked, we suggest... shame eating
pairs well with... just one more piece of pie
and if you don't have any Key Lime, we suggest... having two more pieces of pie
Shut Up Kelly!
pairs well with... ooh! Somebody brought fudge?!
and if you don't have any Shut Up Kelly, we suggest... trying to convince your elderly aunt to do shots of Allen's Coffee Brandy with you
pairs well with... a nap on the couch
and if you don't have any Wasted Life, we suggest... taking a nap anyway, albeit a less satisfying one
Barrel-aged El Pulpo
pairs well with... happily shouting
And if you don't have any Barrel-aged El Pulpo, we suggest... angrily shouting
pairs well with... trying to stack up three pies into one Megapie (also acceptable: Pie Sandwich) like you're friggin' Dagwood Bumstead or something
And if you don't have any Doomrider, we suggest... looking your younger sibling dead in the eye, snatching their (full) plate out of their hands, and eating the entire damn thing without breaking eye contact
pairs well with... trying to remove all the turkey skin in one piece so you can pretend to be Leatherface (which, in turn, means you won't need to share any turkey skin)
And if you don't have any Barrel-aged Shelby, we suggest... wrapping turkey skin around some bacon and cheese to make the world's least healthy burrito
Quadless Leg Monster
pairs well with... saying "you know, in England they refer to this as 'pudding'" every time a new dish gets passed into your hands
And if you don't have any Quadless Leg Monster, we suggest... dipping your turkey in pudding
pairs well with... eating the whole shrimp ring before anybody else even realizes the hors d'oeuvres are on the table
And if you don't have any Adelle, we suggest... locking yourself in the spare room with the shrimp ring and whatever brown liquor you can get your hands on
pairs well with... pretending to care about sports
And if you don't have any Korey, we suggest... cleverly getting out of all sports-related conversations by claiming to be a fan of a historically-terrible team
pairs well with... muttering "hail Satan" instead of "amen" when your weird aunt tries to make everybody say grace
And if you don't have any Danzig, we suggest... waiting until your weird aunt makes everybody hold hands and then gripping tightly and shouting your allegiance to the Dark One
pairs well with... murmuring noncommittally at your uncle's poorly-thought-out political opinions
And if you don't have any Ruby Rye, we suggest... shouting "that's them Demmycrats for ya" every time there's a break in the conversation/ranting and wondering if he'll ever realize you're just impersonating Abe Simpson and not actually agreeing
pairs well with... constructing increasingly-elaborate forts with your youngest relatives
And if you don't have any El Pulpo, we suggest... acting so erratically at the dinner table that you get banished to the kids' playroom to go watch Dumbo like six times in a row because that's somehow the only movie they have. Again.
pairs well with... knitting
And if you don't have any Hartshorne, we suggest... secretly feeding treats to your neighbor's dog over the back fence until the dog gets kind of pudgy and then insistently calling your neighbor "Ol' Fat Dog Jones" until the end of time or until they move
pairs well with... wondering how in hell "parades on TV" is supposed to be a tradition
And if you don't have any Bullhead, we suggest... participating in the only acceptable Thanksgiving tradition (drinking carbombs)
pairs well with... friggin' turkey. Come on, man. It's Thanksgiving.
And if you don't have any Nick, we suggest... making better life choices