Hello friends! We know that many of y'all out there in Teevee Land have been just dreamin' of the day when you can "slug back a cold one" out in the comfort of our "parking lot"* and we thought it would take some kind of a minor miracle to turn that lot into a "beer garden" (as opposed to, say, an "unprompted lake") but we ended up getting just the opposite of a minor miracle** and somehow we got us a "beer garden" anyway! And since we had like three days' notice to prepare,*** we can certainly say that we definitely didn't construct this "beer garden" out of garbage and scrap wood, and anyway you can hardly tell because we "spruced up" the place with a bunch of stickers and string lights and hastily-spraypainted logos in a move that's totally not at all reminiscent of your high school bedroom.
Anyway, all sass aside, we think our lil' ol' piece o' paradise looks just dandy and we're straight chuffed to have you come hang out and drink beers with us again and that's good because you can do just that! Today! Yes indeedy, we've set up our "socially distant" tables and rolled out a giant chalkboard o' rules for people to pretend to read and we've got a buncha plastic cups for you to drink out of in case you had any last shred of hope that this would be a "return to normalcy"**** and you should come drink some beers with us!
And in case you're the Cautious Type when it comes to infectious disease (and we do very much support those of you that are being Extra Careful, whether by personal choice or personal circumstance), it does behoove us to mention that we'll still be doing all the to-go-oriented stuff that we've been doing since this whole pandemic business started - home delivery, curbside pickup, produce boxes (if we get enough orders to meet the distributor's minimum) - all that fun stuff is still a go until the Powers That Be make us stop.
But enough prattlin'. We're gonna go fulfill a longstanding goal and neck an entire can of Extra Naked on our patio while our dogs become more and more panicked due to our dipshit neighbors setting off fireworks for like ten hours per day. Come join us!
* And if we didn't already know that, we would have figured it out pretty quickly from the number of you who took advantage of Quarantine Rules and decided to just straight-up start drinking beers the second you walk out the door.
** Which is to say that the opposite of a minor miracle is a major goddamned disaster (or several, depending on how you look at it).
*** Though judging from the number of people who have already showed up out of the blue and angrily demanded to be able to drink in our lot, y'all must think we had, like, an "inside scoop" that gave us this news before you got it (spoiler alert: nobody tells us anything either). Or maybe people just thought we had a ready-made beer garden that we just weren't using? Unclear.
**** It's worth mentioning that we're doing all this stuff because of new state-mandated rules - we're not just, like, making shit up because we like enforcing weird rules on relative strangers. That being said, we do agree with said rules, they just ain't our brainchildren.
** Which is to say that the opposite of a minor miracle is a major goddamned disaster (or several, depending on how you look at it).
*** Though judging from the number of people who have already showed up out of the blue and angrily demanded to be able to drink in our lot, y'all must think we had, like, an "inside scoop" that gave us this news before you got it (spoiler alert: nobody tells us anything either). Or maybe people just thought we had a ready-made beer garden that we just weren't using? Unclear.
**** It's worth mentioning that we're doing all this stuff because of new state-mandated rules - we're not just, like, making shit up because we like enforcing weird rules on relative strangers. That being said, we do agree with said rules, they just ain't our brainchildren.
RSS Feed