Howdy-do kids and squids! It's nigh-on gobble time and that means we're due for one of the most highly-anticipated (by us) recurring segments on this ol' blog and that's our beer and Thanksgiving pairings! But we'll get to that in due time, because I'm being told that first we need to get through the "actual blog" that "people might want to read" because it's "more useful," which would be a fair point except that I'm pretty sure most of our readership consists of friends of Ben's who skim the text to see if he gets explicitly made fun of this week. But I digress. Onward!
No sass, all sunsets over here
First and/or foremost and/or unsurprisingly there will be no cask this week. It's a bit of a bummer if you're a cask aficionado or whatever, but we're takin' the time to stock up on some tasty-ass cask goodies and we'll be rockin' the beer engine right on schedule with some pretty rad stuff next week, so never you worry!
Stay tuned!
And moving ever closer to the Turkey Day Festivities is our Shitty Wednesday Bottle Release! The day before Thanksgiving (which we have dubbed Shitty Wednesday for reasons that should be obvious) is pretty much always a hassle and/or a downer so we're tryin' to raise some spirits by releasing a whole crapton of bottles!
We've got some rereleases (barrel-aged Biere de Krampus, Blood of Krampus, Yelling at Birds) and some brand new beers (Menagerie, Ginger Occasion) and a beer that's available to-go for the first time (Critters XIV) and a beer that we definitely didn't lose in the cold room for an embarrassing amount of time (Critters IX) and that's all on top of our already-awesome bottle list (Joybringer, Joyrider, Barrel-aged El Pulpo, The Gargoyle, Funky Life, Squash Everything) and also we're givin' out some sweet glassware if you buy a half case of bottles (or more, obvs) and anyway my point is that there's a whole buncha delicious-ass beer available in bottles and you should come grab some!
We've got some rereleases (barrel-aged Biere de Krampus, Blood of Krampus, Yelling at Birds) and some brand new beers (Menagerie, Ginger Occasion) and a beer that's available to-go for the first time (Critters XIV) and a beer that we definitely didn't lose in the cold room for an embarrassing amount of time (Critters IX) and that's all on top of our already-awesome bottle list (Joybringer, Joyrider, Barrel-aged El Pulpo, The Gargoyle, Funky Life, Squash Everything) and also we're givin' out some sweet glassware if you buy a half case of bottles (or more, obvs) and anyway my point is that there's a whole buncha delicious-ass beer available in bottles and you should come grab some!
Look at that HAPPY fridge
Oh! Also! Since we're re-releasing both of our bottled Krampus beers we thought this would be a fitting time to release our vaguely-XMas-themed merch: Krampus shirts! They're rad as heck and they're available right now!
And! Lastly! On Saturday we've got new-to-us Chef Jems popping up in the taproom with birria tacos!
Taco time!
And now! With all the beer releases and merch and events out of the way, we move on to our annual Beer and Thanksgiving Pairings! What started as poking gentle fun at the weirdness of Thanksgiving traditions (seriously, none of this shit makes any sense at all) has blossomed into a series of "pairings" that range from "inadvisable" to "illegal" but which somehow still won't get you uninvited from next year's dinner, because gathering all your craziest relatives in one room and giving them booze is an Important Tradition. And so, without further ado, and in no particular order, we present to you the 2021 Bone Up Thanksgiving Beer Pairings:
Cheers!
Extra Naked
pairs well with... wishing you hadn't eaten so much the previous day
and if you don't have any Extra Naked, we suggest... shame eating
Shut Up Kelly!
pairs well with... ooOOOooh! Somebody brought fudge?!
and if you don't have any Shut Up Kelly, we suggest... trying to convince your elderly aunt to do shots of Allen's Coffee Brandy with you
Ginger Spectacular
pairs well with... trying to get out of any and all discussions about politics
and if you don't have any Ginger Spectacular, we suggest... pointing into the middle distance and yelling "what's that!?" and then running away, giggling
El Pulpo
pairs well with... constructing increasingly-elaborate forts with your youngest relatives
And if you don't have any El Pulpo, we suggest... acting so erratically at the dinner table that you get banished to the kids' playroom to go watch Dumbo like six times in a row because that's somehow the only movie they have. Again.
Joyrider
pairs well with... compressing, shaping, and re-baking the stuffing to use as hard taco shells
And if you don't have any Joyrider, we suggest... pointing out each dish individually and making the argument that it "technically qualifies as a taco." Really fight to make your point. Make a chart if you have to.
Ginger Disco
pairs well with... serving people "roulette brownies" where a small percentage of random brownies are completely full of habanero powder.
And if you don't have any Ginger Disco, we suggest... same thing, but throw a couple THC brownies in there too.
Joybringer
pairs well with... making up songs about the foods you're about to eat while you fill your plate
And if you don't have any Joybringer, we suggest... putting on a puppet show wherein you have the turkey carcass stage a Gallagher-style performance and messily smash the giblets with a potato
Blood of Krampus
pairs well with... speaking in rhyme for the entire day
And if you don't have any Blood of Krampus, we suggest... speaking in riddles for the entire day
Barrel-aged El Pulpo
pairs well with... happily shouting
And if you don't have any Barrel-aged El Pulpo, we suggest... angrily shouting
Funky Life
pairs well with... going a little wild on the hors d'oeuvres as a treat. You earned it!
And if you don't have any Funky Life, we suggest... reconfiguring the entire menu so that every item starts with "bacon-wrapped." And I do mean EVERY item. Make a bacon envelope so you can have bacon-wrapped cranberry sauce.
Quadless Leg Monster
pairs well with... saying "you know, in England they refer to this as 'pudding'" every time a new dish gets passed into your hands
And if you don't have any Quadless Leg Monster, we suggest... dipping your turkey in pudding
The Gargoyle
pairs well with... trying to convince people that turkey and peanut butter really do go well together (which they do)
and if you don't have any The Gargoyle, we suggest... making peanut butter gravy and then fleeing the scene before anyone tastes the abomination you have wrought upon this world
Organ Meats
pairs well with... trying to "spice things up" by making your (in)famous ghost pepper sweet potatoes
and if you don't have any Organ Meats, we suggest... removing an item of clothing every time somebody complains about needing to wear a mask when out in public (and/or other covid-related precautions as you see fit)
The Sachem's Ale
pairs well with... seeing how much weird/junk food you can cram into a casserole dish while still being able to convince people it's a "family tradition" (lookin at you, cream-of-mushroom-soup-green-bean-fried-onion casserole)
and if you don't have any The Sachem's Ale, we suggest... making a bunch of those savory Jell-O dishes from the 70s and serving them with a straight face
Yelling at Birds
pairs well with... finding your most tinfoil-hat relative and getting them all wound up about whatever conspiracy theory they're shouting about this month
and if you don't have any Yelling at Birds, we suggest... subtly trying to convince your tinfoil-hat relative(s) that you're one of the Lizard People or whatever
Barrel-aged Biere de Krampus
pairs well with... making a raspberry pie with an Oreo crust
and if you don't have any Barrel-aged Biere de Krampus, we suggest... crushing a bunch of Oreos and making Double Stuff Stuffing
Squash Everything
pairs well with... making deep-fried versions of everything. Go all "Midwestern state fair" on your Thanksgiving
and if you don't have any Squash Everything, we suggest... gravy cocktails!
Emerald Spire
pairs well with... pretending to be interested in watching The Game in order to get out of making small talk
and if you don't have any Emerald Spire, we suggest... getting out of small talk AND sports talk by cornering people into an exhaustive explanation of the recent drama on Spackle TikTok* (repeat as necessary until people are afraid to even make eye contact with you)
Menagerie
pairs well with... making bacon-chocolate fudge
and if you don't have any Menagerie, we suggest... using pâté as frosting on a bunch of cupcakes
Green Smoothie
pairs well with... deep-fried mashed potato balls
and if you don't have any Green Smoothie, we suggest... making a "deconstructed" Thanksgiving menu where you just replace all the traditional Thanksgiving foods with things that people actually want to eat** (fried chicken instead of turkey, sweet potato fries instead of candied yams, maybe come up with some kind of convoluted explanation for how pizza is "really a stand-in for stuffing and gravy," et cetera).
Awkward Conversation
pairs well with... going all Winnie The Pooh on the cranberry sauce and eating it directly out of the can with your bare hand
and if you don't have any Awkward Conversation, we suggest... dressing like Winnie The Pooh
Critters IX
pairs well with... Bulgarian feta. It has nothing to do with the holiday, but it's a really tasty pairing.
and if you don't have any Critters IX, we suggest... going back to bed.
Ginger Occasion
pairs well with... biting your tongue when somebody asks "so when will you be having kids?"
and if you don't have any Ginger Occasion, we suggest... responding to all uncomfortable questions by saying "you know, that's a funny story" and then telling a very long story that goes nowhere (bonus points if, when people try to get you back on topic and/or change the subject, you say "oh hold on, I'm getting there" and then launch into a completely different pointless story)
Rakau
pairs well with... volunteering to make the last-minute grocery store run to get out of helping around the house
and if you don't have any Rakau, we suggest... getting the shopping list *ever* so slightly wrong so you have/get to go to the store repeatedly
Critters XIV
pairs well with... insistently using the word "damp" in lieu of "moist" when talking about food
and if you don't have any Critters XIV, we suggest... trying to get out of IRL Turkey Day by constructing and sending a "Digital Avatar" that's really just an old iPhone taped to a skateboard
The Horned Beast
pairs well with... trying to carve the turkey with a katana
and if you don't have any The Horned Beast, we suggest... trying to start a hoedown at the dinner table by playing the jug (empty wine bottle) and the spoons (ideally still covered in side-dishes) and insistently trying to convince others to join in and play your "spare fiddle" (you can leave this part out if you only brought one fiddle this year)
* Yes, this is a real thing. Or at least that's what we're told - we learned about it from reading Garbage Day like normal people.
** Some of you are probably saying "you're crazy! I love Thanksgiving food!" And yeah, sure, but if that's really the case then why do you only eat it once per year?
pairs well with... wishing you hadn't eaten so much the previous day
and if you don't have any Extra Naked, we suggest... shame eating
Shut Up Kelly!
pairs well with... ooOOOooh! Somebody brought fudge?!
and if you don't have any Shut Up Kelly, we suggest... trying to convince your elderly aunt to do shots of Allen's Coffee Brandy with you
Ginger Spectacular
pairs well with... trying to get out of any and all discussions about politics
and if you don't have any Ginger Spectacular, we suggest... pointing into the middle distance and yelling "what's that!?" and then running away, giggling
El Pulpo
pairs well with... constructing increasingly-elaborate forts with your youngest relatives
And if you don't have any El Pulpo, we suggest... acting so erratically at the dinner table that you get banished to the kids' playroom to go watch Dumbo like six times in a row because that's somehow the only movie they have. Again.
Joyrider
pairs well with... compressing, shaping, and re-baking the stuffing to use as hard taco shells
And if you don't have any Joyrider, we suggest... pointing out each dish individually and making the argument that it "technically qualifies as a taco." Really fight to make your point. Make a chart if you have to.
Ginger Disco
pairs well with... serving people "roulette brownies" where a small percentage of random brownies are completely full of habanero powder.
And if you don't have any Ginger Disco, we suggest... same thing, but throw a couple THC brownies in there too.
Joybringer
pairs well with... making up songs about the foods you're about to eat while you fill your plate
And if you don't have any Joybringer, we suggest... putting on a puppet show wherein you have the turkey carcass stage a Gallagher-style performance and messily smash the giblets with a potato
Blood of Krampus
pairs well with... speaking in rhyme for the entire day
And if you don't have any Blood of Krampus, we suggest... speaking in riddles for the entire day
Barrel-aged El Pulpo
pairs well with... happily shouting
And if you don't have any Barrel-aged El Pulpo, we suggest... angrily shouting
Funky Life
pairs well with... going a little wild on the hors d'oeuvres as a treat. You earned it!
And if you don't have any Funky Life, we suggest... reconfiguring the entire menu so that every item starts with "bacon-wrapped." And I do mean EVERY item. Make a bacon envelope so you can have bacon-wrapped cranberry sauce.
Quadless Leg Monster
pairs well with... saying "you know, in England they refer to this as 'pudding'" every time a new dish gets passed into your hands
And if you don't have any Quadless Leg Monster, we suggest... dipping your turkey in pudding
The Gargoyle
pairs well with... trying to convince people that turkey and peanut butter really do go well together (which they do)
and if you don't have any The Gargoyle, we suggest... making peanut butter gravy and then fleeing the scene before anyone tastes the abomination you have wrought upon this world
Organ Meats
pairs well with... trying to "spice things up" by making your (in)famous ghost pepper sweet potatoes
and if you don't have any Organ Meats, we suggest... removing an item of clothing every time somebody complains about needing to wear a mask when out in public (and/or other covid-related precautions as you see fit)
The Sachem's Ale
pairs well with... seeing how much weird/junk food you can cram into a casserole dish while still being able to convince people it's a "family tradition" (lookin at you, cream-of-mushroom-soup-green-bean-fried-onion casserole)
and if you don't have any The Sachem's Ale, we suggest... making a bunch of those savory Jell-O dishes from the 70s and serving them with a straight face
Yelling at Birds
pairs well with... finding your most tinfoil-hat relative and getting them all wound up about whatever conspiracy theory they're shouting about this month
and if you don't have any Yelling at Birds, we suggest... subtly trying to convince your tinfoil-hat relative(s) that you're one of the Lizard People or whatever
Barrel-aged Biere de Krampus
pairs well with... making a raspberry pie with an Oreo crust
and if you don't have any Barrel-aged Biere de Krampus, we suggest... crushing a bunch of Oreos and making Double Stuff Stuffing
Squash Everything
pairs well with... making deep-fried versions of everything. Go all "Midwestern state fair" on your Thanksgiving
and if you don't have any Squash Everything, we suggest... gravy cocktails!
Emerald Spire
pairs well with... pretending to be interested in watching The Game in order to get out of making small talk
and if you don't have any Emerald Spire, we suggest... getting out of small talk AND sports talk by cornering people into an exhaustive explanation of the recent drama on Spackle TikTok* (repeat as necessary until people are afraid to even make eye contact with you)
Menagerie
pairs well with... making bacon-chocolate fudge
and if you don't have any Menagerie, we suggest... using pâté as frosting on a bunch of cupcakes
Green Smoothie
pairs well with... deep-fried mashed potato balls
and if you don't have any Green Smoothie, we suggest... making a "deconstructed" Thanksgiving menu where you just replace all the traditional Thanksgiving foods with things that people actually want to eat** (fried chicken instead of turkey, sweet potato fries instead of candied yams, maybe come up with some kind of convoluted explanation for how pizza is "really a stand-in for stuffing and gravy," et cetera).
Awkward Conversation
pairs well with... going all Winnie The Pooh on the cranberry sauce and eating it directly out of the can with your bare hand
and if you don't have any Awkward Conversation, we suggest... dressing like Winnie The Pooh
Critters IX
pairs well with... Bulgarian feta. It has nothing to do with the holiday, but it's a really tasty pairing.
and if you don't have any Critters IX, we suggest... going back to bed.
Ginger Occasion
pairs well with... biting your tongue when somebody asks "so when will you be having kids?"
and if you don't have any Ginger Occasion, we suggest... responding to all uncomfortable questions by saying "you know, that's a funny story" and then telling a very long story that goes nowhere (bonus points if, when people try to get you back on topic and/or change the subject, you say "oh hold on, I'm getting there" and then launch into a completely different pointless story)
Rakau
pairs well with... volunteering to make the last-minute grocery store run to get out of helping around the house
and if you don't have any Rakau, we suggest... getting the shopping list *ever* so slightly wrong so you have/get to go to the store repeatedly
Critters XIV
pairs well with... insistently using the word "damp" in lieu of "moist" when talking about food
and if you don't have any Critters XIV, we suggest... trying to get out of IRL Turkey Day by constructing and sending a "Digital Avatar" that's really just an old iPhone taped to a skateboard
The Horned Beast
pairs well with... trying to carve the turkey with a katana
and if you don't have any The Horned Beast, we suggest... trying to start a hoedown at the dinner table by playing the jug (empty wine bottle) and the spoons (ideally still covered in side-dishes) and insistently trying to convince others to join in and play your "spare fiddle" (you can leave this part out if you only brought one fiddle this year)
* Yes, this is a real thing. Or at least that's what we're told - we learned about it from reading Garbage Day like normal people.
** Some of you are probably saying "you're crazy! I love Thanksgiving food!" And yeah, sure, but if that's really the case then why do you only eat it once per year?
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